Sophie: Mommy, I want to invite Kailey [friend from school] over to your house. Just your house, not my Daddy’s house.
Me: Why just my house, not Daddy’s house?
Sophie: Because at my Daddy’s house I have Hannah Montana hair and Kailey will want to try it on and I will want to try it on and well…that wouldn’t work out very well.
First off, I want to thank all of my readers and commenters (old and new!) for really getting WHY this is BIG news to me, and because I understand everyone else has shit going on in their lives, and that my “crisis” (in quotes, note) is not the only thing happening in the world, it makes me appreciate your comments and understanding that much more.
I actually did text Jamie today and ask him if W. was pregnant and he said no. Only time will tell I guess. I asked him if he was doing a destination wedding or a wedding here, and he claimed they hadn’t talked about it. I’m sure he’s not anxious to share any details they have narrowed down, if any, and I’m sure he’s not anxious to share any talks they have or have not had. She’s from here, she’s never been married, so I’m assuming a wedding in the STL area, but *I* would prefer (and since it’s all about me – ahem) that they just go off to Mexico or Jamaica and do it and get it over with. I do wonder if she gave him an ultimatum because I feel like if he REALLY wanted to marry her, he would have done it 3 or 2 or 1 year(s) ago. But I’m not spending too much time on analyzing this because (1) I’ve been distracted by Sophie (Thank God) and (2) I’ve wasted enough time on the bastard. But things WILL come up, you understand, especially, probably in the next couple of weeks, or especially when I am alone, or especially late at night, or when I learn of any new “details” and you will just have to bear with me.
Lori, my mom totally agrees with you – about *not* letting Sophie be in the wedding, but *I* can’t do that to my own daughter because she WON’T understand and I don’t want her to resent me for it say, 10 years from now, and IF I ever DO get married again (ha!), I would totally want Sophie to not only be IN the wedding but be an integral part of the whole ceremony. And yes, I know *I* wasn’t the one who cheated, etc., but…the truth is, he probably won’t ask anyway, and he’ll just plan it on his weekend and Sophie will spend the night with his parents and he’ll drop her off at the end of the weekend Sunday evening as usual.
I’ve decided that if Sophie is excited about the news (and I don’t know why she wouldn’t be; TT has been part of her life from the very beginning, duh), and if Sophie asks me if I’m excited (because she will), I will just turn the question back on her and say, “Are you?” And she’ll say, “Yes.” And then I’ll say “Well then I’m excited you’re excited!”
Thanks Bun for the suggestion:)
Jamie would have normally called today to check on Soph but he didn’t. Smart guy because I don’t feel like talking to him anyway.
I’m sure his parents are thrilled that he is making an “honest woman” out of The Whore (hahahaha!).
As many friends keep telling me, “Remember: You don’t want him back. The ‘prize’ is all hers.” True true.
Trying to look on the bright side, they HAVE been together for almost five freakin’ years; it’s not as if this happened the day after he signed the papers.
My friend Melissa told me that she understands WHY it’s upsetting TO ME, but that frankly, “The Whore can have him” and that she is just sad for ME that I am not happy.
Me: But I am happy!
Melissa: No you’re not; you don’t have anybody [boyfriend]
Me: But I don’t want anybody. I want to be single.
Melissa: No, you’re scorned and bitter.
That girl doesn’t hold back a bit, does she?
Becky tried to make me feel better but she…well, she did her best. But then she said, “And when they have a baby…” to which I had to respond, “I’m trying to deal with one ‘crisis’ at a time here!”
Doyle must have been high; she just gave birth a couple of weeks ago and has twin toddlers, I will let her “off” and attribute the comment to sleep deprivation, but here’s how (this part) of our conversation went:
Doyle [In all seriousness; not an ounce of sarcasm to be had]: Do you think he’ll invite you to the wedding?
Me: Are you HIGH?!?
Doyle: Well he might just do it out of courtesy…knowing you won’t go.
Me: Courtesy? Are we still talking about the same person? FB?
I wasn’t mad; it was almost laughable. I just really thought you know, damn post-pregnancy hormones; that poor girl can’t even think logically anymore!
Doyle: Or he won’t because he’ll be afraid of what you might do or say.
Me: That would be the absolute LAST thing in the entire world that I would EVER want to witness.
Because even though I *don’t* in any way shape or form want him back, it still hurts. Oh, also: I can’t stand his fucking family. So yeah.
Sometimes I feel like this won’t change anything, for me or for Sophie, since FB & W. have been living together for the past 2+ years, but other times I feel like it will. Like she’ll feel more “entitled” to I don’t know what, but certain things/comments/critiques, because she is now (or will be) officially Sophie’s step-mom. And if I’m going to be completely honest, and why not since I just spilled my guts, there is still part of me that hopes in the year or so of planning they have to do that there will be a lot of arguing and they won’t go through with it. Or, he’ll meet someone “better” in which case I won’t have to hear this news for another 4-5 years and that time, frankly, my darling, I really WON’T give a damn.
Also, yes: I’m scorned and bitter:)
***
In other news, please pray that my friend Summar has a full-term healthy pregnancy; she is due in July and there have been some complications which I’m not going to get into here out of respect for her, of course, but if you ARE the praying type, please send some up for her and the baby? Thanks.
...that they start a wedding website so I can cyberstalk them and find out all the details.
And also perhaps leave an "anonymous" comment correcting their too-cutesy "How We Met" story.
Oops, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
A phone call from FB, just now on the way home.
FB & W. got engaged.
He'll tell Sophie on Wed.
I have to say, at least he said "I wanted you to hear it from me first" and I did but to be frank, I am shaking.
He said they haven't really talked about plans, but maybe sometime next year.
Soph and I are off to see the Hannah Montana movie tonight and then Mommy is going to pick up some alcohol on the way home.
Time to send W. a sympathy card.
I just had to explain to a boy at work what “metrosexual” means.
***
Sophie’s new favorite saying: “You can’t be serious!”
***
Can’t wait for the pool this weekend! What are YOU up to?
Sophie only likes fresh, cold water. I filled up her water bottles last night, secured the caps and lined up all six on the counter.
Me: Okay, Sophie – go take them to the fridge.
Sophie [jaw dropping open with indignation]: Mom, I’m only four! Why do I have to do everything?! I can’t do all this by myself!
Welcome to my life, girlfriend.
Me: Sophie, you don’t have to take all six to the fridge at once. Take two at a time. Do you think Mommy can carry all six at once?
Sophie: I can’t; I’m too lazy.
Me: Okay, fine then. I guess you won’t get fresh cold water.
They are still sitting there today, and will be until she puts them in the fridge herself. *I* am sick of being her slave.
Obviously, this is just the battle I chose to pick last night, as I had already been up and down off the couch 8 million times for her crackers, more crackers, yogurt, apple juice, etc.
- I didn't get burned on the boat, but my face did get some sun yesterday doing yard work.
- Speaking of yard work, there is nothing I detest more. I'd rather scrub 1,000 toilets than work in the yard. There is nothing about it I enjoy: not the heat, not the sweating, the bugs, the dirt, and the soreness afterward.
- Speaking of, I now need a massage.
- Other things I need: a cleaning fairy, a finance fairy, a yard fairy...and: a 40-year old divorce who is fixed and has a boat (just for the summertime). Know anyone in the St. Louis area?
- I cannot believe I'm staying up to watch the rerun of Jon & Kate Plus 8 season premiere. It's totally not going to be worth it, but it's like a car crash: I can't turn away.
- Meanwhile, I'm watching A&E's new "Obsessed," or trying to anyway. It's about people with OCD and as one, I'm wondering if they will only show the extreme cases or....
- There is no way my daughter is going to sleep in her own bed tonight.
- I don't know what's wrong with me or Soph, but we both felt sleepy and lazy today. Though I did get laundry done, cleaning done, computer work done...so I'd hardly call that lazy, but still, I slept in, then took a nap later. Of course, it could be the rain. Jamie said she took a 2hr nap today and yesterday; completely unlike her. But I guess swimming in the lake, and then having a rainy day, will do that to you.
- I've about had it with Little Miss High Maintenance who has suddenly decided she no longer likes bannanas or chicken nuggets or fish sticks. So now we're down to exactly two items she will eat. Not to mention, she loves to wear her new pretty Disney Princess sandals that light up but refuses to walk on the ground outside with them on because "they are too pretty to get dirty."
- You know what one of my favorite things is? Going to the pool, coming back, having a snack, taking a warm shower, and then having a long nap as I listen to the rain dripping onto my skylights. Mmm...comfort.
- Repeat to self, as needed: Jamie will always be Jamie. Jamie will always be Jamie. Jamie will always be Jamie.
Sophie: Mommy, did you and Daddy live in this house when you were still in love?
Me: Yes.
Sophie: I’m never getting married because when you are married you have to kiss and that is gross!
You go girl!
When Jamie and I got divorced and his parents denied the affair and he had made me out to be an evil, crazy woman, and they believed him despite knowing me for 10 years at that point, and then they stopped talking to me and I was sad, everyone told me, “Well, that’s just the way it is. You can’t expect to maintain a relationship with them.” And I told them that no, it didn’t have to be that way and if they were respectable people, it wouldn’t be. My mom remained friends with my dad’s sister and his parents after they separated and my friend JMC is friends with her ex in-laws, etc., etc.
And as another example, last night I was telling my mom about my neighbor Phil who has two grown children: a daughter and a son. His son is getting a divorce; they have a 6-year old and a 2? or 3-year old. This was a while ago. I told him I was sorry to hear and asked what happened. He said, “My son is an idiot and couldn’t keep his d*ck in his pants.” And Phil still watches his grandchildren during the day (he’s retired) and who drops off and picks up 90% of the time? His son’s ex-wife. And they are fine; they are friendly because Phil is a respectable person who knows it was his son that screwed up. And he loves his grandchildren and he loves and respects their mother.
And my mother says, “Well, I’m not saying this would have made a difference, but maybe if you didn’t shove Jamie’s affair down their [his parents] throats, and just waited until it came out…”
But it would have never come out. And anyway, gee, thanks mother: It was all my fault; I get it. I did it wrong.
This story is less about me and Jamie/his family than it is about me and my mother. That’s the point I’m trying to make, anyway.
On the way home from Grandma and Grandpa's tonight, we were listening to the Lion King soundtrack, which led to Simba's Daddy dying and being in Heaven.
Sophie: Mommy, what if you die before me and it's morning time and I'm calling out "Mommy!" but you don't answer and I realize you're in Heaven? I'd cry cry cry forever.
In my current state of PMS and wretchedly pathetic, "oh woe is me" mood, my eyes welled up.
This did, however, lead to a conversation when we arrived home about dialing 9-1-1 in case of an emergency. I've often wondered how to teach Sophie this all-important skill without scaring her. Jamie and I discussed it recently as well. He tried, but started with, "If anything ever happens to your Mommy..." which of course Sophie responded with hightened anxiety, "What's going to happen to my Mommy??!" at which Jamie reassured her "nothing," then dropped it.
Somehow though, tonight, I managed to improvise and said:
Me: Remember when Mommy slipped the other day?
She nodded. I really did slip, and no, I hadn't even been drinking.
Me: Well, if Mommy did that again like a silly billy and I couldn't get up, then you would have to call 9-1-1 to get the fire-fighters over because you're pretty strong, but not quite strong enough to lift Mommy up.
And she laughed and agreed.
So I Googled my home phone cordless model number and printed out a picture of it. But on my phone, you not only have to dial 9-1-1, you also have to then press the "TALK" button which no longer reads "TALK" - it reads nothing - because it's been pressed one too many times. Anyway, I printed out a picture of the phone and highlighted the numbers in pink. But Sophie said she was confused, so I said Fuck It and printed out a new picture and just told her to press 0 and that highlighted button (TALK). I taped it up by the phone.
Why am I even boring you with this pointless story? Do I expect some kind of genius mother award or some shit? No. I'm just letting my daughter stay up too late watching Pinnochio and wondered how YOU taught your kids about something potentially scary and/or difficult. I need the wisdom, believe you me.
Fuckin’ PMS. I swear to God. I’m ON anti-depressants and one week out of the month I want to sing “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.”
Sent an email to almost everyone I know in the STL area earlier this week asking what everyone was up to this weekend.
# of Responses Received: 0
Could it be because they are busy?
In a normal week, sure. PMS week? No, they obviously hate me and think I’m the most annoying person EVER.
Oh, I have plenty to do/things I should do. But by the time the evening starts, it would be nice to be able to go out. But everyone has their kids or boyfriends, so…..
Val invited me to go boating with her next weekend, which is great but it means DRAMA because her boyfriend is all about drama, especially when he drinks. But I have nothing else to do so….
Also next weekend, sans Soph (Oh the lonliness!), a friend is having a party and I’m going because see above, but I will feel kind of awkward because I need someone to go with because STL is CLICKIER THAN HELL and everyone else will know each other, or it will be the HS group over here, the co-workers over there, and uh, Farrell standing in the middle of the lawn looking like a little lost puppy.
Anyone seen any good movies lately?
SIGH.
We had a debate Monday at work. The debate was: “Should kid-oriented establishments serve alcohol?” (Think: Chuck-e-Cheese). Is it inappropriate to do so? And the follow-up, “If they do serve alcohol, is it ‘wrong’ or ‘irresponsible’ to order an adult beverage (even if you are able to have one or two and keep yourself under control)?”
I say, NO. It is not wrong. I say as a franchise owner, I would rather NOT have the liability to deal with, but as a responsible adult, I say if I feel like having a beer with my pizza, then I can, and also still watch my kid (because I’m going to have one or two, not six. Besides, I can hardly eat a slice of pizza without an ice cold beer to go along with it). I say it’s no different than having a bunch of friends/couples and their kids over for a BBQ and the adults drink beer and sip wine while the kids run around the yard like maniacs. I say the only thing that makes it different is the other a-holes at that hell-hole of a place Chuck-e-Cheese’s that cannot drink responsibly and can’t keep their hands to themselves and their mouths shut.
My co-workers say it is wrong, inappropriate and irresponsible of the PATRONS themselves to drink beer.
So, what do you think? Take my poll and feel free to expand on your answer in the comment section!
Saturday evening, while eating dinner at Grandma and Grandpa's, Sophie, sitting across from the window says, "I see a bumble bee out there pollinating!"
Text message conversation between me and Jamie this morning:
Jamie: Happy Mothers Day!
Me:. Thanks.
Jamie: Thank u 4 being a great mom.
Me: Thank you for saying so.
But why did me and my cousin Jessica both have the same thought of Jamie texting that as he’s huddled in the bathroom? (because W. would be jealous?)
***
Then later, he sends me another text: can u have soph call me some time 2day?
Uh, no. I get ONE day a year when she is ALL mine, this is it, and you just saw her Friday at school and Saturday at gym. Plus, she’s 4 ½. Sure, she’ll talk on the phone if you shove it in front of her face, but otherwise…it can wait.
Jamie gave me a “heads up” today at gym class. He informed me that W’s sister, sister’s husband and new baby (3 months?) might have to live in their (Jamie and W’s) basement because the boyfriend got laid off. And my first thought was, “Hmmm, that’s certain to change the dynamic in that house.” I mean, I’m single and I don’t want a family or even one person living with me. And then I thought: OMIG – this could be the “Beginning of the End.” And then I thought: OMIG how is that going to affect Sophie?
And for so long I wished for FB & W to break up and now I’m just not even sure that would be the best thing. It might be the best thing for me as far as I wouldn’t have to see her or deal with her anymore, but as a wise friend once told me—one who has been through many of her ex-husband’s crazy-as-shit ex-girlfriends—“Be careful what you wish for. The next one might be worse. I know it’s hard to believe, but it can happen.”
Only time will tell I guess.
This evening, at dinner with Grandma and Grandpa:
Sophie: Papa, You better watch out because my Mommy eats WAY faster than ANYBODY!
Thankfully, Grandma backed me up and said, “Well, Sophie, could that be because a little girl is always clamoring for her attention and saying ‘Play with me! Play with me! Are you done yet?’” while I nodded vigorously. I swear, sometimes she’s done with her entire meal before I even have time to throw together a salad…(from a BAG!)
Happy Mother's Day to all the old-timer mothers, new-time mothers, and mothers-to-be!
I guess.
Jamie and I are thinking about signing Soph up for fall soccer here in my town, so she gets to know some of the kids she’ll be eventually going to Kindergarten* with (in 2010). And, I’m looking forward to it in part because I got pretty disgusted with myself the other day when I realized how I am totally UNINVOLVED in my community and haven’t really explored it and probably don’t know about some of its shops, restaurants, etc. Then again, we have a MAIN STREET. So. Yeah. Not a whole lot I’m missing I gather.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure The W. (“TT”) will start attending soccer. I mean, soccer is well…we have a whole field! And we can be on opposite sides! VS. Gym class, which consists of only a few rows of bleachers and everyone is RIGHT THERE, you know what I mean? And although I’ve been kinda’ preparing myself for this for a long time, I still can’t believe that time is already here. Almost five years. I’ve grown a lot, emotionally, and I know I can be a “Big Girl” and handle it just like I realized that running into my ex SIL that day at the park really wasn’t that big of a deal.
But. That doesn’t mean that I’m dying to run into my ex SIL all over town, either. You know what I’m saying?
Sigh.
*Her daycare/pre-school is actually offering a Kindergarten curriculum for those who are going to be 5 this fall but don’t make the local district cut-offs and I’m excited about that but am not sure if it will really feel like official kindergarten, since it will take place in the room across the hall from where she is now.
***UPDATE***
45 minutes after I wrote this post, still doing the same as I was then, I am pretty sure she's asleep. I'm not confident enough about it to throw a party, but am confident enough to walk out on the deck for a smoke...maybe bitching helped? I've no idea.
*********
My daughter is once again holding me hostage. The non-sleeper this week has absolutely refused to go to sleep. She is infringing on my mommy time and I know that sounds selfish but people everything I do I do for her and when I don't get MINIMUM 30 minutes to myself at night to cool down before bed; be it on the computer or watching tv or talking on the phone or reading, MOMMY GETS VERY CRANKY. I'm only asking for THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES not the world (I prefer an hour actually - 9pm to 10pm). So expert mothers out there: I need a real, DEFINITIVE answer/strategy to this problem.
I try to get her to bed at a decent hour: 8:30pm. But it usually takes her at least an hour to fall asleep - no matter how tired she is or isn't. I've thought about pushing bedtime to 9 (and some nights it is by circumstance) but I'm afraid then she STILL won't fall asleep right away, and then it will be 10. Of course, some nights she's up till 11 anyway, sighing and huffing and puffing in her room. Sometimes I end up falling asleep before she does.
Right now I'm in the living room on my laptop watching "Snapped" but not really caring about it and listening to Sophie "read" her books aloud. I have been on the FUCKING Goddamn computer all day but I RESENT when sometimes the only thing that works is me getting in my bed and reading. Don't get me wrong - I love to read and I get sick of the computer and sometimes reading is the only thing that calms my own thoughts and fears and anxiety (worrying about other people, imaginary or not) and allows me to sleep but I want to get in bed and read if that is my choice for the night, NOT if I'm forced to by a FOUR YEAR OLD.
Oh and her favorite excuse? "Mommy, I'm having bad dreams." Except she hasn't yet fallen alseep! GRRRR!
Who's the Queen?
Certainly not me.
Help! Seriously, I need a plan. I'll try ANYTHING!
(BTW, I've tried taking away privileges, I've tried rewarding good sleep with a coin; some things work for all of a day; some not at all; nothing works consistently, even if I continuously threaten and reward and follow through on both).
This morning, Sophie's class put on a play. They've been working on it for two weeks. Jamie and I were both there. Why they made it at 10:15am I have no idea, but he makes his own schedule and I worked from home/took the time as my "lunch break."
The play was entitled "The Sky" which is about well, the sky.
Sophie is first a sun ray and then a raindrop.
The sun comes out (her friend Kailey), then the clouds come (the tallest cloud is her BFF Kaliyah), the raindrops fall (Soph is in pink skirt; hair braided in pigtails), and then the rainbow comes.
Oh yeah, and the yellow flash is "lightning" otherwise known as "Chapman."
I don't suspect any of you actually want to suffer through a bunch of 4 year olds walking around in self-decorated hats (i.e. "costumes") but if you are really THAT bored, who am I to deny you?
I have a feeling this will be the first of many of Sophie's performances...
Below is Part I:
The Sky - P1 from Farrell on Vimeo.
The Sky - Part II from Farrell on Vimeo.
Sophie came back from her dad's with a temp of 101. The Motrin seems to be helping though. She's chatting again and coloring...I hope it's a fluke and nothing more. But the dog, she must have known Soph wasn't feeling up to par, because normally Chloë hides herself behind Mommy's couch pillows. But not tonight:
This is in response to an article written by Anna Quindlen, a contributor to Newsweek, which I read devotedly. It’s titled “A Teachable Moment” and was in the April 27th issue. The sub-head is: Being a parent is easy and intuitive, correct? Well, no—it’s just customary to pretend that that’s the case
You kinda’ have to read the article to know what I’m talking about here but a few of her points I take issue with.
Issue 1: Mommy Blogs
From the article:
It used to take a village to raise a child, but there isn’t a village anymore. Instead of extended family, there’s a playground where everyone pretends everything’s fine, and a computer screen behind which women can say, under cover of mommy blogs, “How come this is so hard for me?”
First of all, I’m not convinced that Quindlen has actually read any “mommy blogs.” Because (1) we* are not all “under cover” and (2) This is our “virtual village.”
As one of the first among my group of friends to have a child, and then to have to raise her by myself, turning to blogs has made me feel less alone; like others “get it” (and they/you do!). Since I had few friends at the time of Sophie’s birth to ask for advice, etc., it was great that I had other people to turn to, and to realize that not every mother out there was overjoyed 24/7 (How could we be? We were too tired!)
Quindlen goes on to say:
The prevailing ethos about being a parent is that it’s mostly intuitive and uniformly joyful, even though the news, and our own lives, are full of those who found it so conspicuously otherwise that they made an utter mess of actual human beings. This mythology has two effects. One is that parents who don’t feel happy or competent are made to feel like freaks—and to just keep quiet about the fact.
Hence, what led to the creation, at least in part, of this “virtual village.” Finally, mothers (and fathers) had a chance to express and then realize that it wasn’t just hard for them, it’s also hard for everyone else out there doing it. We’re not keeping quiet about it anymore, and that doesn’t mean that we’re terrible mothers, and it doesn’t mean that we’ve “made an utter mess of actual human beings.” Rather, it means that Parenting is simultaneously fun, challenging, joyful, hard, rewarding, trying and exhausting. DUH. We make connections by empathizing with others going through similar situations. And while we may be doing this more at our computer after the kids are in bed, rather than at the park, at least we’re doing it. We are no longer alone.
Issue 2: Fertility Drugs
We’ve so bought into the mass delusion, the nutty propaganda, that now the ideal American family is one that’s on steroids, or at least Clomid. If raising children is not really so difficult or demanding, the only way to make it tougher is to amp up the numbers, right? So instead of smart, helpful television shows about how to set limits and manage sibling rivalry, the constant cable fare is about the supersize family, with quads, sextuplets or a kid a year until the house looks like an army barracks.
She’s contradicting herself here—she had just said that parenting IS hard, but most pretend it’s not. Now she’s saying that it’s not hard, but we’re making it hard by having multiples through the use of science.
I wonder if she has ever had, as I have (count them: four), young, healthy, early 30s women friends who could not get pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term. And so they turned to science. They were not trying to make their lives harder; they just wanted a baby of their own, at least one (and for all the right reasons I might add). Two ended up with twins, one is still trying, and another ran out of the financial and emotional means necessary to keep trying (and I can’t blame her). Why is Quindlen judging such decisions? It seems unnecessary and cruel. What about a woman who was lucky enough to get pregnant on her own and ends up with four, five or six kids? Is she trying to make her life harder on purpose? Most certainly not. I would guess that she just loves kids. I wonder what Quindlen finds so offensive about that? I wonder if I would be offensive to her because my life must be “so easy” with just one?
She also forgets that there ARE “smart, helpful television shows about how to set limits and manage sibling rivalry:” See Super Nanny and Nanny 911. Not to mention that every parent deals with those issues, from a mother of two to Jon & Kate Plus 8.
***
Quindlen ends with:
It can be a great job, motherhood, but it would be nice if everyone could be more honest about how overwhelming the job can be, and more willing to find ways to support and inform the people who are trying to do it.
That’s just what we “mommy bloggers” are trying to do, Anna. You might want to read up on it. And if you need suggestions on where to go, I can give you a top-notch list.
*I grouped myself in here even though I don’t consider this a strictly “mommy blog” though I do write quite a bit about Sophie because she is the focus of my life.
PS - New May header: check it out!
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