Weight on My Shoulders

I failed a friend. My dear friend is currently in rehab—again. She relapsed. She is addicted to prescription pain killers.

I have been dealing with this, mostly privately, for the past week and I cannot begin to tell you the toll it’s taken on me emotionally. I tried to help, but I didn’t help in the right way and now my guilt is overwhelming me. I want to cry but I don’t cry when it’s important. I’m sorry for being cryptic right now; it’s just I can’t get into the details…I am just asking you to please pray for her. Pray for her, pray for her children, and pray that she is able to get her marriage back on track. You see, she was hiding the relapse from her husband. But you can only hide that sort of thing for so long. God, I hope You can forgive me for failing her and please help her get well for good. There is too much at stake.

Also: People addicted to drugs of any kind will lie. They will look you in the eye and lie straight to your face. Never, EVER trust someone who is on drugs.

God, please forgive me because I should have known better; I should have done better.

I called Mandy for advice on Sunday. I’m talking to her now. She says I’m being too hard on myself, but I feel I need to be. I called Mandy because one of her best friend’s mom is going though the same thing. So I knew she knew what was up.

Obviously, I cannot/will not name my friend here. But please know I would never, ever joke about this sort of thing. Sorry to be such a downer on a holiday; I just had to get this out.

I cannot even begin to tell you how scared I was last Sunday. She was crazy; off her rocker; looking for drugs anyplace she could get them. She asked me to go to the Urgent Care Center and fake an injury so I could get the drugs for her. Of COURSE I DIDN’T do that. Wouldn’t; didn’t. She also asked me to sneak into my parents’ house to get the drugs. Percocet, to be exact. And when I told her there was no reason for my mom to have that drug, because she’s never even had surgery, she said, “Yeah, but Tom has.” OF COURSE I didn’t; wouldn’t do that either.

She called me about 18 times (NO exaggeration) in an hour. During one conversation, she would be crying about how guilty she felt, how she let everybody down, especially her children. The next conversation, she would be whispering and plotting and said if her husband found out, he would divorce her, and she just needed to get through the week and she would be fine; she just needed enough to wean herself back down and that’s it.

Then she would call me back crying about what a good friend I was and she can hardly believe how much I love her children. Then three minutes later she would call me in a crazed state with a whispered voice that wasn’t at all her own and tell me she would walk me through the steps of faking an injury at the Urgent Care. Which I refused. Again. Then, three minutes after THAT, she would call me and be crying again about how she couldn’t believe she had even asked me such a thing; it was so, so wrong. Three minutes after THAT, she would call me again and claim that she would never, ever ask me to do such a thing if it wasn’t really, really important.

Pumpkin

Concentration

Admiring the work

Master carver at work

Having Fun

Ta-Da!

Goals

First of all can you people believe it is almost November? And then Thanksgiving and then Christmas and then the New Year? Where did the time go? Anyway, my goal for this year’s Christmas shopping is:
To get it done online, and early.

The great thing about online shopping is you can look for deals,* you don’t have to fight the crowds, etc. What I *don’t* like about online shopping is paying the shipping. But. Since most of my friends live far away (like in Cali), I’d have to ship the gifts anyway. And if I do it online, they will actually get there in time instead of being held hostage in the back of my car for weeks on end. Plus, online shopping is great when you already know what you are getting people. Because friends with kids get only gifts for their kids now-a-days, and kids are pretty easy to shop for. Online shopping sucks when you don’t know what to get someone. In that case, I *do* like wandering around the mall until I spot that perfect thing I was looking for but didn’t know it.

For Sophie’s Santa gifts, well…I really don’t even know what she wants since she got so much stuff for her birthday. We’ll have to go down the toy aisle and she’ll have to tell me. And I’m not shopping online for her stuff because well, I don’t think it makes sense. But I am looking for a dollhouse. I’m thinking about going to the “gently used” children’s store to find one. Sophie told me she got a “really big one” for her birthday at her dad’s and they got one at school and she’s been playing with it non-stop. Anyone with girls have any advice on this?

My parents are hard. Very, very hard to shop for. Because they don’t *need* anything and they won’t tell me what they want and usually anything I try to do they complain about. Like, one year I got them plane tickets to California and they were thankful but they complained about having to get a hotel and a rental car. I wish I had enough money to send them on a real trip – a second honeymoon or something – but that’s so not even possible. I will just have to wait for some grand inspiration.

Likewise, I am already thinking about 2009, and I have two simple goals: Graduate and Have sex with someone other than myself.

That’s it; that’s all folks. Happy trick-or-treating!

*Speaking of deals, anyone have any great tips? Good websites to look at, where to find coupons or discounts, etc.?

Oops, My Bad

Did I say my daughter turned four on Sunday? Oops, my bad – I meant fourTEEN. I picked her up from school yesterday and was all excited to hear about the party Daddy threw her.
Me: Hey, Sophie! How was your party yesterday?
Sophie: …
Me: Did you have fun?
Sophie: …
Me: Oh, okay – you’re not talking to me?
Sophie: Can I have another cracker?

Please note that I am abbreviating the conversations, and I was NOT quizzing her; I just truly wanted to find out if she had a good time, etc. This was all in a conversational tone.

Later, at the dinner table:
Me: So did you get any presents yesterday?
Sophie: …
Me: Oh yeah, I bet nobody got you anything right?
Sophie: Yes they did!
Me: Oh! What’d you get?
Sophie: …
Sophie: Matt [W’s brother] got me three Cinderella puzzles.
Me: THREE Cinderella puzzles?! Wow, that’s awesome. What else?
Sophie: …
Me: Where was the party; what’d you guys do?
Sophie: …
Me: I just love talking to myself. I could talk to myself all day long.
Sophie: ???
Sophie: Mommy, you know what?
Me: What, Soph?
Sophie: I love to crumble my crackers over my ketchup then scoop it up with a fork. It’s super yummy!
Me: ???
Sophie: Can I go play now?
So I finished my soup by myself. Then I texted Jamie.
Me: Did she tell you about the party I threw her?
FB: No, what’d you guys do?
Me: Just wanted to know if she keeps you in the dark like she does me. [he doesn’t tell me shit, not ever] I think she turned 14 yesterday, not 4.
FB: We are so in 4 it.

Sophie’s new favorite line, when I ask her to say, pick up her toys, is “I can’t do all this stuff by myself!” Welcome to my life, girlfriend.

Can anybody out there assure me that 4 is better than 3? Please? Dear Lord, give me strength!

Four

The theme was Hannah Montana, but she received mostly Ponyville stuff, and was thrilled. It was a GREAT party and do you want to know how much it cost me? TEN dollars. Yep, that's right. Well, ten to reserve tables at the place and $42.38 for the Hannah Montana cake from McArthur's bakery, the best in the Lou. And worth every penny. Observe the celebration:When opening the "little people" farm Grandma and Grandpa got her, Sophie exclaimed, "What I've always wanted!" Even though she already has a farm. But whatever. Papa made Sophie a table, painted all different colors, to put all her farm and safari animals on. The idea came to Grandma when she and Sophie were visiting the library and they had a farm on display, much like this:Spoil her rotten, they do. (The table will eventually be moved to my basement as space is sparse in the office/playroom).
All in all: It was a great (though busy) day, a successful (and inexpensive!) party, surrounded by friends and family. What more could we ask for?

*More pics on flickr; see sidebar

Note to "Santa"

Dear Santa,
Sophie was thrilled with all of the gifts her friends got her for her birthday. It looked almost like Christmas morning! Just so you know, though, she received a TON of Ponyville items, and does not need anymore, as Mommy is running out of room. Perhaps some puzzles, a piggy bank, and...well I'm not sure what else at the moment to be honest. The kid already has too many toys. And yes, she's had her moments this year (many of them) but overall, she's a super good kid. Maybe you could get her some pet shop stuff or Polly Pockets? Because we desperately need more teeny tiny pieces lying around the house.
Thanks,
Sophie's Mommy.

Trick or Treat

My town had a little trick or treat thing yesterday, where the shops on main street handed out candy. We all dressed up and Sophie's cousin Bo, who is in from Nashville for her party came along too.
Twincesses:Vampire and Princess:

The Gods Must Hate Me

I took a two-hour nap today and it was all I thought and hoped it would be:) But the gods must not think I deserve a day to myself, because they punished me.

It started out fine; I picked Soph up from school early (after I swept and POLISHED the floors! *clap clap*) and she was happy. We came home and I FOLDED—and PUT AWAY—the laundry (*whoops and hollers of “you go girl!*) while she watched Diego. She played with puzzles while I started dinner and out of the blue she muttered, “You’re a freak.”

Whoah. Time out; stop the presses.

“EXCUSE ME?” I said.

Sophie: What?! It means you’re crazy, right?

Me: Yes, yes it does. That’s what it means. However, that is unacceptable to say to your Mother. It is not nice, you don’t call your Mother names and it hurts my feelings.

My first thought was, “I’m going to kill that Fucking Bastard for polluting my daughter.” My second thought was, “Calm down; maybe she overheard them bitching about me; maybe they didn’t say it directly.” My third thought was, “Get a grip. She could have heard it anywhere: at school, in a song…” I went on with the dinner plans and then Missy threw a fucking tantrum worthy of an Oscar. I lost it. On the one hand, most of us would have lost it, the way that girl was screaming and carrying on. On the other hand, I’m surprised, after I got in so much relaxation today, that it was all so easily erased in a minute.

I too acted badly. I lost my temper and I slammed her door. I apologized. She eventually (long after dinner was cold and of course mine was soggy) apologized to me as well, but not until after I threw her in the shower and she hit me and I threatened to cancel her party. Yes, that’s how bad it was.

I acted badly again when she was throwing her tantrum and my blood pressure was up and I was in a pissy mood. I sent a nasty text to FB about what she said and that I would appreciate the courtesy of him and W. keeping their opinions of me to themselves, and to refrain from spouting them especially in my daughter’s presence.

I knew that I couldn’t automatically blame him/them even though he had called me that so many times in the past 14 years that I started believing he was right a long, long time ago (and you wonder why I’m on anti-anxiety/anti-depressants??!?). And I knew that I was taking my frustration out at him since I could only do so much with a child who can’t control her own emotions.

He called – twice – and sent me a text, and left me a voicemail. Apologizing, shocked that Sophie said such a thing, assuring me that he would NEVER say that in front of our daughter, and that frankly, he hasn’t had a reason to say such a thing lately. But the problem is that once someone starts lying to you, you can’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth. We got into it a bit and let me just say that I know he is out of town for work. I know this because Sophie told me and because he told me. And I know for a fact that that is the only reason he (1)responded and (2)was attempting to be apologetic/concerned. I can always, always tell when he’s not with W. Anyway, we went back and forth and I’ll spare you the play-by-play, but eventually he said “not that u care but lately all comments [he, W and his family] make r about how well we cooperate and that ur a good mom.” And I said, “I’ve been a good mom for 4 years; 2 bad they r just catching on now.”

Yeah yeah. I know. (1)I was being pissy and immature and taking my frustration out on him and (2) You don’t want to hear it.

But then he said, “I can’t believe she’s gonna be 4.”

WTF? Are we supposed to get all sappy together and reflect upon how grown-up our daughter has gotten? Again, I cannot stress enough that I know for a FACT that kind of comment would have NEVER come out if somebody else had been in the room or nearby.

So I don’t know if he expected me to share in his sentimentality or what, but here’s what I think each year on Sophie’s birthday:

• I think how far she’s come emotionally, physically, and developmentally. (She was born a preemie).
• I also think of how far I’ve come emotionally.
• I thank my lucky stars that FB is now making someone other than me miserable.
• No matter how hard I try to push this next thought away, it always budges its way in: I remember where I was versus where he was on the day our daughter was born.

Because I Can

I took today off. Why? Because I can. And the mean, horrible mother I am, I sent my daughter to school. Even though I have the day off. Why? Because I can. Also: today is pajama day, and we brought cupcakes to school to celebrate Sophie’s birthday. It’s a birthday weekend folks! Today she’s celebrating at school, tomorrow is the party I’m throwing for her, and Sunday (her true birthday) is the party Daddy is throwing for her. She’ll be all caked out! So anyway, my big plans for today:
Nada.

That’s right. It’s my day off and it’s cloudy and cold and I’m snug in my favorite oversized hoodie sweatshirt with a hole in the front pocket and I’m going to take a long, long nap. And you know what? I don’t even feel guilty about it.

Sorry, but I don’t.

However, I have already gotten a TON accomplished today. Like, I threw a load of laundry in the wash this morning and have since ignored it. And, in case you are not already impressed enough, I am also ignoring the floor that needs to be swept and the carpets that need to be vacuumed, as well as my work email even though I could easily check it at home.

Are you jealous yet?

I Think I Want to Marry this Guy

Thanks Morninglight Mama for pointing me toward these clips. They are too funny not to share here as well.

And I Hadn’t Even Started Drinking Yet

My friend Holly came over Saturday night, and we planned on going out to dinner, then meeting up with Mandy and her friends later. Holly parked in my driveway on the right-hand side; usually people park on the left. I drove, and we talked about her car being there, and if it was over far enough for me to get my car out of the driveway. And we got in the car and were yapping away when BUMP! Yep, that’s right. Within two minutes, I had forgotten her car was in my driveway and I backed into it. We got out to survey the damage, and it did make a dent and of course there were paint scratches (my car is light; hers is dark). We stared and the dent popped back out. She wasn’t mad, but OMIG I felt like such an a-hole. Needless to say, I treated her to dinner.

Nothing Less than Honesty from the Kiddos

I picked up Soph from Jamie’s house Sunday morning. Because we were going to a pool party, I just did my hair curly. Sophie was standing at the storm door waiting for me and when I got up to it, she said, “I missed you Mommy.” I told her I missed her too, of course. Then she said, “Mommy, your hair is CRAZY! You better fix it when we get home!”

What I Actually Accomplished

What I actually accomplished Saturday was #s 2-4, except for the laundry part, plus a nap - a glorious nap. The work thing took me four fucking hours so thank God I started it.

Goals for Today

This is to hold me accountable:

1. Work with cousin Kim on my budget! (she's an accountant and smart with money)
2. Work-work. I have to do something for my boss that she sent to me at 5:05pm yesterday and it has to be done before lunch on Monday, so I'm just going to get it over with because I don't know how long it will take.
3. Quick clean of bathroom, sweep floor, put away laundry.
4. Take dog for walk.
5. Write papers for school (we already know this will NOT get done).

Later, I'm supposed to go out with Mandy, so that will be fun.

Run, Don't Walk...

...to the theater to see The Secret Life of Bees.
Oh man if only I could write a story like that.
I admit, I didn't read the book. It was on my list, and I never got around to it.
Yes, I cried through the whole thing, but quietly, much to my mother's satisfaction. (I'm embarrassed to say that I have BAWLED hysterically IN the movie theater, many times; especially in my younger days...Titanic, Legends of the Fall, When a Man Loves a Woman, Man in the Moon - yes, I'm all girl!)
Anyway, I LOVED this film and Dakota rocks - she deserves an Oscar.

What Kind of Mommy Are You Anyway?!?

This morning, after brushing our teeth, Sophie is still at the sink finishing up and I go into the office/playroom to tidy up so we can get on to school.
Sophie: Hey! What kind of Mommy are you, anyway?!?
Me: I beg your pardon?
Sophie: You turned off the water and I was going to get a drink!
Me: Sorry! I didn’t know!
I really didn’t; was just trying to do my small part in conserving the environment!

And Now for the Reveal

This was my motivation.Okay, the shelves that are hiding are still rather untidy (ahem), but the surface area is mostly clean. And no, it wasn't hard; a lot of that crap just had to be thrown away or put in the correct spot, but I feel better now. The picture on my monitor is of my dad and Sophie from last year around this time. When my computer goes idle, it scrolls through "my pictures" and Sophie just loves to sit and look and comment on them all.

The Joys of Working from Home

And now that I've posted a picture of my desk, it will give me the motivation I need to clean it up! (and yet another way to procrastinate writing my papers for school!!)

And You People Wonder Why I Have a Fear of Abandonment

Let’s review, shall we? We are going to start at the beginning, but don’t worry; I’ll try to make it as quick as possible.

• Parents separate when I was around 3. Though frankly, I never really felt “abandoned” because my dad was still in my life and I never remember my parents living together (though I do remember the house)…but I’m just going to put it out there since it counts, someway, somehow. When I was six, my mom met Tom, and when I was 9, they married, and he is one of the best things that ever happened to us (other than Sophie).
• Sixth & Seventh grade, otherwise known as HELL. “Best Friend” Katie Landrigan turned against me, turned others against me, and basically tortured me verbally and emotionally for two years. I am NOT exaggerating. If you don’t believe me, ask Jackie or Summar.
• Before that, really, Andrea Spencer and I – we used to be INSEPERABLE, but then she became “popular” and was still friendly with me but I wasn’t invited to the same social gatherings.
• Friends who get boyfriends. *rolls eyes* Val is doing this to me now. It sucks.
• High School Graduation: My BFF, Elizabeth, didn’t show up at my graduation party. We had been INSEPERABLE that entire year – I mean literally like sisters, and she just didn’t show up. We hadn’t gotten into a fight; she didn’t call that day or the next or the next to say there had been an emergency; I called and called and she just fell off the face of the earth. I was completely and totally perplexed. And hurt. And angry. She found me a couple months ago on MySpace and sent me two messages (I responded), and I haven’t heard from her since.

I’m going to take a break for a second. People, I am not trying to say “Oh poor Farrell, she has no friends. Everybody hates her, I guess she better go eat worms.” NOR am I trying to say, “I am the BEST FRIEND in the whole wide world and I am perfect and I have never wronged a friend and I can’t believe these people have the nerve to wrong me.” Because dude, I’m human. And man oh man, Summar and I have gotten into it more than once, and 98% of the time she didn’t deserve what I had to dish out. Ditto goes for Jackie; ditto goes for college roommates (ALL OF YOU!). But Thank God they all forgave me. Especially when there were times when I did not deserve to be forgiven.

Now, back to the story:

• FB (and his family). ’Nuf said.
• My “friend” who ditched me the other weekend.

Let’s talk about that for a moment, shall we? This chick never apologized…she only offered me excuses that were very uh…let’s just say convenient, and she didn’t even get back to me in the first place until 3:30 that afternoon – on the day we had plans; then texted me – didn’t even bother to CALL – at 5:30 about one of those convenient things that came up and I was like, “Well whatever; you flaked long before you [came up with that excuse].” And I haven’t heard from her since. Not one single fucking word. Not one text, not one email, NOTHING. She is probably reading this right now, since a lot of my “friends” read this (ie people I know IRL) and never comment; I mean, people I’ve known for a long time and they read it daily and I could say “I’m dying” and they STILL wouldn’t comment and yes I send them emails and tried to leave phone messages but there is a point where you give up and yes I know people are busy and yes I know that also maybe…well anyway.

So, this chick. We’ve been friends for like 6 years and we met at SIUE, because we were in the same program, and while we were mostly email friends, we still talked about work and school and relationships and what is wrong with people today, etc. We weren’t really “hang out” friends because well, duh – she’s flakey. And I knew that and when I would try to make plans with her, something would “come up” and so I stopped trying except for once in a while and then I always made backup plans, just in case. So last Friday, my backup plan was to order Chinese and rent a movie by myself as I wasn’t really feeling well anyway. (I ended up eating pizza and watching a movie with my parents). But usually when this chick cancels on me, she has had, in the past, enough courtesy to do it the day before, or early that day. This time: not so much.

So like, I get that emergencies happen, and that stuff happens (though to be honest, some sort of crisis is always happening to her or someone she knows), and that is fine. I would just think a 35-year old woman would have enough courtesy to let her “friend” KNOW (in a timely manner if at all possible, but yes I get you can’t time emergencies, though the excuse she gave me wasn’t an emergency) because I mean, right now I feel like I’m back in sixth grade; it’s Katie Landrigan/Andrea Spencer/Elizabeth ditching my HS graduation party all over again, and I’m left standing in the dust wondering “What The Fuck??!?” What is it about ME that makes people want to leave/flee/run for the hills/disappear/vanish/fall off the face of the earth??!?

That, folks, is the million dollar question.

Sleeping Update

First of all, I want to thank everyone who commented with their advice and sympathy, etc. on this post. I really appreciate it!

The update is: things are better (for now). It’s still a struggle, but not as bad. One thing that helped is that it was the weekend which meant Soph and I spent all day together. Today, too, her daycare was closed for Columbus Day/teacher training, so we had an extended weekend. I think part of the problem is that maybe she doesn’t feel she gets enough time with me on the weekdays, as we get home not much before six, and by the time we eat, clean up dinner, etc., it’s 30min till bath time, blah blah blah. People: I get to the office at 9am and leave at 4:30. You can’t get more flexible than that, I don’t believe.

Anyway, the other night – I’m losing track of the days – the night after I wrote the first post, I just put on my best “I’m not taking any B.S.” face and laid down the law. I told Sophie as she ate her bedtime snack that there will be no music (wasn’t working; distracting), no books (she likes to look at books but Daddy says it keeps her up and she’ll sleep better if she’s basically bored to sleep), etc. Sophie held up her hand like, “Yeah, I know; I know; I get it.” Fucking teenagers! So we were in the bath by 7pm sharp, dressed and ready for bed by 7:30pm, and then I – and this is key – set the timer. I set the timer to go off at 8pm. I told Sophie that this was our snack and story time, but once that timer goes off, we’re in bed, no matter what. Because normally, she begs for just one more story, and I’m a sucker and give in, because who am I to deny my child the love of reading? And of course that first night the timer went off and she asked for another story; she asked for music; she asked for books and I said, “No, no, no.” And she whined a bit, but then it was over.

The first night I put her in bed and laid with her – too long, but I was kind of drifting in and out of consciousness – and then I looked at the clock and said, “Okay, it’s time for you to sleep now. I’ve laid here long enough.” And I went downstairs to watch TV/talk on the phone. And she called me up at 9:05pm and said “I promise I’ll fall asleep if you put on music and let me look at books.” And I said, “We tried that and it didn’t work, so no.” And then she whined a bit and stated her case again and said, “But I can’t sleep.” And I just said very sternly, “Try Harder.” Then I went back downstairs. I didn’t hear another word from her; I came up at 10 and she was out. So, she fell asleep sometime between 9:05pm and 10pm.

And boy – now this isn’t rocket science – but boy what a difference that made in her attitude the next day! She woke at 7:51am as pleasant as could be, and we had a FABULOUS day hanging out together, going bouncing, being silly with Grandma and Grandpa; no fits all day. That night, I did the timer thing again and we had a busy day, so it didn’t take me long at all to lay with her before she had her muscle spasms and I knew I could sneak out.

Today: same story; as pleasant as could be; no fits, and although it took a bit longer tonight for her to fall sound asleep, I was still out of there (her room) by 8:45, which – believe me people – is an improvement.

The timer is key.

I loved, loved, loved spending a “free” day with her today. We went to the zoo and saw every animal and Mommy walked about 8 miles and then Sophie declared “I’m ready to go home,” so we did, and really couldn’t have timed it better because it started raining as soon as we got in the car. We baked cookies and muffins and played outside, and had a great day, just the two of us. And God, I LOVE when I make her laugh. It melts my heart. And her laugh is also contagious.

Am I boring you yet? Before I go, here’s a conversation we had:
Me: Sophie, do you know what my shirt says?
Sophie: [Shakes head]
Me: It says, “Princess.”
Sophie: But you’re not a Princess for real.
Me: No, I’m not, but I wish I was.
Sophie: You’re just a Mommy.
Me: Right. [“just”]
Sophie: But how can I be a Mommy without a baby?
Me: Well, you can’t be a Mommy without a baby, and you can’t have a baby until you get married….
Sophie: Yuck! [Pause] I guess you’re right. I guess being a little girl is pretty fun.

PS - I have actually been using this as well.

Things My Daughter Says

This almost makes up for the other night:
Sophie: Mommy, I love you more than the sky!

It Really Shouldn’t Be This Hard

People: I have had it up to HERE. I am fed up; I’m at my wit’s end. My child does NOT sleep. She REFUSES to sleep. I’ll have her in bed by 8:30 and she looks at books (with lights out; only a night-light on) and then tells me she can’t sleep because she’s hot, so I turn on the fan; then it’s because “Penny is smiling too much.” Give me a fucking break. Finally, at 10pm, I was beyond exhausted and threw her in bed with me. It took her another ½ hour. I’ve tried music; that does NOT work.

It’s that time for me so I imagine I am a bit more frustrated than usual, but you can see that the situation is highly frustrating, no matter what. I was pissy anyway earlier since the night before she had not actually fallen asleep until ELEVEN PM and then told me when I picked her up from school that “I was sleepy today.” No shit. And we’re on the couch reading books and then she wants yogurt so I get that, then sit back down, then the dog needs water, so I do that, then sit back down, then Sophie needs apple juice and “fresh, cold” water, so I get that and sit back down, then the dog needs food so I get that and sit back down, then Sophie wants another yogurt, so I get that and sit back down, then the dog wants to go outside, so I let her out and sit back down…no wonder I’m so fucking tired. Jeez Louise.

Children should sleep, right? I mean, it should be normal. I think Sophie is missing a gene or something. Children play all day, wear themselves out, then sleep. We do a bath at night to calm her down; a nice, warm bath…not helping. I have a hard time believing in this product, but I’m willing to try ANYTHING at this point. Say, is whiskey bad for 4-year olds?

The State of Things

Anxiety Level: High. Perhaps too much coffee. Worrying unnecessarily about events that may or may not happen for another two years.
Physical State: Worn Out. Child not sleeping means Mommy doesn’t sleep. Child is BITCH to get to sleep at night. Literally did not fall asleep until 11 last night. WTF? Have tried everything I can think of: music, letting her look at books, turning fan on so she doesn’t get hot….
House: Disaster. As it usually is at the end of the week. Will get cleaned up at some point today (before or after nap time?)
Halloween Decorations: Still in basement. Will attempt to do with Child today after school. Way to be on the ball there, Mom.
Voter Registration Card: Hiding. Must find.
Dog: Sleeping. Every time I get up from my chair, she thinks it’s time for her walk. It will get done, eventually.
Cat: Still a pain in the ass. Always hungry that one.
Finances: Worrisome. Could use someone smart with budgets and money to help. That person is NOT me. Also helpful: Winning the PowerBall. (No, it hasn’t happened yet. Don’t hold your breath).
Friends: Miss.
Weekend: Looking forward. Tonight: Pizza, movie, Halloween decorations and being lazy. Tomorrow: pumpkin patch! Sunday: No plans as of yet. Monday: Daycare closed. Play all day!
Boys: Who needs them?
Job: Bored. Should find new? In this economy? Scared – no, TERRIFIED – of Change.

How ’bout you?

Out of Hiding

Sophie’s been having issues with her eyes – itching them repeatedly – and I’ve been giving her Claritin and putting lotion on her face. It’s not the eyes themselves that get red, but the bridge of her nose on either side. When I called the doctor yesterday to make Sophie’s 4-year check up appointment, I mentioned the eyes and she wanted to see her. Jamie kindly offered to take Soph that afternoon, and I would swing by and pick her up from his place on my way home from work.

Which I did, and Sophie was standing at the storm door waiting for me, along with the dog, Josie. Then Sophie said, “Mommy, come here! I want to show you something!” and ran to the back family room. Jamie said, “Go ahead.” I already saw TT’s car in the driveway so I knew she was there. She was on the couch and Sophie climbed up on her shoulders and said “Look! I’m taller than all of you!” On the one hand, it’s good that they are comfortable with each other and that they play (of course they play). On the other hand, it still hurts. Maybe she is not scared of me anymore, since last time I dropped Sophie off, I didn’t you know, punch her out or anything. But she used to hide from me.

It’s been four years and they are still together, but not married. There are only two reasons for this non-marriage as I see it: (1) She has no desire to get married. Which would be a-typical for a 31-year old woman who has never been married and who purchased a home with her boyfriend of 4 years. Or (2) She purchased the home with Jamie and saw it as a step toward marriage and he is stringing her along. Because I think if he wanted to marry her, he would have already done so.

Oh, and we got some anti-itch cream for Sophie’s eyes.

Lastly, Jamie has been uh, nice and flexible with me as of late. It’s great, but…different.

Things My Daughter Says

Sophie: Mommy, do you know that God can hear us?
Me: Yes, I did know that.
Sophie: Can He hear everybody?
Me: Yes.
Sophie: How does He do that?!
Me: He’s like magic.
***
Sophie: Mommy, did you know that God made me?
Me: Yes.
Sophie: God and Daddy made me.
Me: Well I think I had something to do with that as well.
***
I was asking Sophie about her cousins that she spent the weekend with; I was asking her if baby Summer is saying words now (she’s just over a year), and Sophie’s reply was: “Well, if you really want to know, you should get a calendar about them.” ?!? I told her I was just trying to make conversation.
***
Sophie: Mommy, I smell something stinky. Is it your breath?
***
Sophie: Mommy, did you read my daily? [the sheet the teachers write on about her day]
Me: Yeah, I read it.
Sophie: What did it say? Did it say how I said “fuck” at snack time?
Me [taken aback]: You wha…?! Um, no, it did not say that. Where did you hear that word?
She shrunk in her chair and declared, “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

This is By FAR the Funniest Thing I've Seen All Day

And it will be funnier to any of you who have ever worked in marketing, advertising or PR. I found it on Sarah Brown's website.

Sometimes I Wish I Lived in a Condo

Taking care of a house is hard, people. Especially when you’re the only one to do it. I’ve got the going-through-the-mail thing to do tomorrow, the putting up Halloween decorations thing to do (because I NEED more clutter!), the putting Sophie’s “latest” pictures (we’re talking months ago people) in frames and actually hanging them up, the getting rid of the papers on my desk, the trimming the bushes and trimming in general and trying to revive my dying plants because I’m too damn lazy to water them and I am sure all my neighbors hate me because my yard looks like crap, and the laundry of course the laundry, and the buying fabric to recover my stained kitchen chair cushions (I took one off and have been driving around with it in my trunk for a week now), and organizing Sophie’s clothes, and God I could totally declutter the hall closet too (trash!), and I know I’m totally not even going to touch MY closet because omig that’s a whole-day project…anyway, I have to do all of this AND I’m supposed to have my MA papers done by December. I’m never going to graduate. Really. Such a waste of time and money. FUCK.

How many of those things do you think I’ll actually accomplish tomorrow? Yeah, me too. Priorities: desk, mail, yard. Then I’ll be WIPED OUT. I’m a fucking lazy ass piece of shit I tell you.

Things My Daughter Says

Papa Ryan: Sophie, you sure have a lot of toys. I’d say you even have too many toys.
Sophie [gesturing toward me]: Well, she keeps buying them!

Know What I Hate?

I’m awfully crabby for a beautiful, sunny Friday afternoon; consider yourselves warned.

1. The family of stray kittens that hang out on my porch, meow at all hours, and antagonize my animals. Also, they are not nice: the mom hisses at me when I DARE walk past her into MY OWN HOUSE!
2. When friends get boyfriends and even though before they were all “What are you doing what are you doing what are you doing?” now they’re all “Oh yeah…I forgot all about you. Oh well – I’m busy; I don’t need you anymore; thanks.” (Same goes for some guy friends with girlfriends).
3. The fact that I LET myself be taken advantage of.
4. When people don’t respond to emails. Or text messages. Because I am a paranoid person and I think “they are ditching me” or “they are mad at me” instead of much more reasonably: “they are probably busy.”
5. The economy. ‘Nuf said. Also: DUH!
6. When you make plans with someone earlier in the week, but said friend tends to be flakey and things tend to “come up” with her and so you email her and text message her and you get…NOTHING. And part of you is like “Bitch! She’s ditching me and doesn’t even have the decency to say so!” And part of you is like “Maybe she’s just having a super duper busy day at work” (even though you typically email each other often). And then another part of you is like “OMIG what if I’m thinking these nasty thoughts about her and she’s really in the hospital or something horrible?” And then the last part of you is like, “She BETTER be in the hospital – that’s the ONLY excuse *I’m* accepting!”
7. The lack of good movies either in the theater or on DVD. If you have some recommendations, please send them my way, as I have a feeling tonight is going to end up with me, my PJs, unwashed hair, a few beers, and a TV (SEXY!). Why? See above. (CANNOT BE SAPPY LOVE STORIES NO THANK YOU BARF. [Also: Do not want to cry alone. Or at all, but esp. not alone.]).

Things I love: (seeking BALANCE, people, BALANCE. OOOHHHMMMM……)

1. Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. OMIG – did you see that shit? She looks and talks JUST LIKE THE REAL DEAL! Amazing!
2. My daughter.
3. My animals, except when the fat ass cat is begging for food at 2am.
4. That Bun invited me to her Football Party tomorrow eve.

That list is too short, I know.

The Clutter OMIG the Clutter

Raise your [virtual] hand if you are sick and tired of receiving junk mail. You know how they have the “do not call” list? Is there such thing as a “do not mail” list? I am so fucking sick of this shit. I do NOT need another credit card offer, thank you very much. I do NOT need another Pottery Barn magazine because although I like their stuff, I cannot afford it so what’s the point? I have mail to go through – I’m so lazy; three stacks on my kitchen counter and it BUGS me. Since somebody a few months ago got hold of my cc#, I can’t just throw things away without opening them. No, now I actually have to open and shred and dispose of properly. All that time and waste for shit I don’t want or need anyway – grrr!

Speaking of clutter: The toys – OMIG the toys! They are EVERYWHERE! All over the living room, under the piano, etc. My dad commented, “Sophie sure has a lot of toys.” I really don’t think she has THAT many; it’s just I have nowhere to put them, really. We have one trunk and I shove some in there, but she forgets about them if they aren’t out. And her birthday and then Christmas is coming up which means MORE TOYS! I’ve already given away the stuff she doesn’t play with…seriously people: What do you DO with all this stuff? How do you organize? Where do you place? I need a Mommy to come over and help me PLEASE!!!

TGIF

Guess Who Stopped By?

Hannah Montana

Hannah Montana from Farrell on Vimeo.
AND...
Papa Ryan [my dad]:


Last night was hell. Between the kid not wanting to sleep and the dog and the fucking cat, I was up several times in the night, and that's only after we finally, finally got to sleep. Not to mention I have to drag my non-morning child out of bed in 30 minutes to take Papa Ryan to the airport. (He's on his way to Orlando for business actually but got a cheap flight by going west before going east so decided he would stop by). But God - Sophie hasn't seen him in a year and she was enthralled. All about him, wanting to show off for him, etc. It was so cute, and totally worth it.
(A few more pics on Flickr; see sidebar).