Better Late Than Never

Just before Thanksgiving, I received a letter from Sean and Jen (Jamie’s brother and sister-in-law). Basically, they said they still wanted me to be a part of Riley’s life (my godson) and they wanted to be a part of Sophie’s. They explained that they kept their distance from me because they felt as if every time they talked to me, they only caused me more pain. They told me that they tried to counsel Jamie to do the right thing, but he chose otherwise. They even called his actions “sinful.”

I was glad to receive the letter and thought it was a good first step in the right direction. I wrote them back telling them that I DID want to be a part of Riley’s life and also that I wanted them to be a part of Sophie’s. I also explained, however, that the last eight weeks of my life have been the loneliest ever and that it would have helped me to know the conversations that were taking place on the other side (i.e. with Jamie). Nobody ever acknowledged to me that they understood I was telling the truth (about his affair) and that they felt what he was doing was wrong. As a matter of fact, I received quite the opposite reaction from his parents, who blamed me and are still (?) in complete denial.

Jen called me last night after receiving my letter, teary and apologetic. She claims that “It was pretty obvious what was going on as soon as you showed us the phone records.” I responded by saying “Well, I certainly thought so but I didn’t get the feeling that anybody else did.” Perhaps by “accusing” Jamie, I put his parents on the defensive so much that they felt they had to “protect” him. (Still, their Denial is outrageous considering the evidence staring them in the face).

I think it will take a while to repair the relationship I once had with Jen, but now that we’ve both had our say, we are both willing to move forward from here. Sean, Jen and Riley are coming over Thursday evening to meet Sophie.

PS – What do you do with baby when Mommy catches a cold?

Oh yeah, and I’m still fat.

Photo Shoot

We took Sophie to the mall yesterday for her first photo shoot.

She does NOT want to be a model.

Sophie was a perfect sleeping angel just before we started the photo shoot. I had made sure she had a full belly beforehand so that hunger wouldn’t be an issue. She’s used to me propping her up on the couch or on pillows at home and at grandma and grandpa’s for our own photo shoots, so I figured this would be no problem! Rrrighhttt….As soon as we placed her in photo position, she started wailing! I would pick her back up, rock her, shush her and then she’d be out again…until I placed her back into position.

The photo guy had the patience of a saint. In fact, the first set of photos didn’t turn out the way I had anticipated, so he let us try again with no extra sitting fee. Wouldn’t you know it that the hour and a half we waited for the first set to be developed, she slept like an angel UNTIL her second photo shoot started and she decided not to be a happy camper.
Originally, I wanted my Christmas cards to be of Sophie in a stocking and Santa hat, just like I saw on the studio’s web site. She’s so tiny though that the stocking and hat just swallowed her whole. She ended up looking pretty silly.

Luckily, we did end up with two great pics!

Telling Stories 

Christmas Angel 

Thanksgiving

Top 10 things I’m thankful for:

10 – Sitting outside on my deck with a cup of coffee, a book/magazine and yes, even the occasional cigarette on a cool fall morning
9 – My vibrator
8 – Sleep
7 – Adult conversation
6 – My therapist
5 – My lawyer
4 – Confidence in the theory that what goes around comes around
3 – My “snuggle bunnies,” Chloë and Mr. Penny
2 – My family and friends, who have supported me and sympathized/empathized with me throughout this entire ordeal; who have had unlimited patience as I relay conversations, messages and incidents with FB and as I agonize over his family's reaction. Thank you for listening.

And the #1 thing I’m thankful for:
My sweet Sophie!

Closer

Even though Julia Roberts and Natalie Portman are two of my favorite actresses, I don’t know why anyone would want to see their new movie, Closer. It’s apparently all about these women who have affairs with the other’s significant other. Nice. Obviously, it holds no appeal for me.

Torture

Why why why do I torture myself? FB came over yesterday for his visitation and (accidentally or on purpose?) left his cell phone upstairs. So I scrolled through his text messages. I knew he was sleeping with her, so I don’t really know what I expected to find. What I did find was more proof that she is a whore and that their relationship is most likely based on sex.

Some samples of text messages from the whore to FB: (WARNING: Before reading this, get a barf bag).

I’m wearing my lucky thong
Bring the massage oil over
My bed is lonely w/o you
Miss you already, sugar
PS…you were fabulous [he’s not]

And the worst of all? They say “I love you.”

Pissed

In every letter addressed from FB’s lawyer to mine, he has to mention the fact that I’m on anti-depressants. As if everyone and their mother aren’t. First of all, I take them for anxiety, not depression. So is he trying to insinuate that I am unfit to be a mother? My lawyer says it’s nothing to worry about, but it really gets to me—and he knows that.

Second of all, our sister-in-law had post-partum depression so bad that she didn’t even go see her son in NICU. After she got on medication, she did much better. Is she unfit to be a mother? No (though granted, she has other “issues”). In addition, FB even admitted to me in the hospital and afterward “Wow. You are doing so well. So much better than Jen did with Riley.” Honestly, I think what really gets to him is that fact that I haven’t fallen apart and I’m not begging him to come back.

Third of all, his girlfriend—no, wait, that’s giving him too much credit: his MISTRESS (he is after all, still a married man)—is also on the same medication I am, except she “self-medicates” (i.e. she steals it from the physician’s sample closets).

So should my lawyer mention the affair and the fact that he ABANDONED his wife and child in every letter?

Dirty tricks.

Dancing Queen

Just call me the “Dancing Queen.” I did my new dance workout video this morning, instead of going back to bed (yea me!). Of course, I was born without coordination or grace. Hence, I’m still getting the hang of some of the steps. Luckily, there is no mirror for me to see how silly I look.

The key to working out, I think, is to do something you enjoy; otherwise you won’t stick to it.

I think I will enjoy pasting a picture of FB on my punching bag.

A Day in the Life
5:32am – Glorious sleep! Sophie was up pretty much all day yesterday, so was able to get sound sleep. Even had to wake her up at 4 hrs. to eat! Hadn’t heard a peep from her all night, so was relieved to find her still breathing.
5:34am – Should start day now, after feeding. This is when normal people start their day. Should work out now. Hungry though. Think will have banana.
5:56am - So tired still. V. early in morning. Still dark out. Not normal to start day in darkness. Will just sleep till next feeding.
8:31am – Ahh! V. well rested now. Need caffeine. Cannot v. well work out after having 3 cups of coffee though, as it dehydrates you. Better wait till later.
9:43am – Was able to shower and, miraculously, shave, even though nobody will be feeling my legs anytime soon. Maybe never again. Not too worried about it right now though as am still fat and untoned.
10:56am – Think will get on computer and check email. Important to be connected with larger world.
11am – Hmmm. Nothing but junk. V. disappointing. Also v. hard to type w/cat in lap. Better pay bills.
11:03am – Oops! Baby fussing. Better go get her.
11:06am – Big stinky! And now we’re wide awake! Let’s turn off TLC and read some more Bridget Jones.
11:57am – Finished Bridget Jones. V. entertaining. Will have to find new book to read. Preferably one in complete sentences. Time to eat!
12:47pm – Just spit up all over mommy’s new outfit. Sigh. Should have clean clothes that fit in dryer. Hope. Ooh doorbell. Must be Lisa.
3:29pm – Was Lisa. Had nice visit. Thankful was able to change clothes and sweep floors and clean counters and make sandwich while she was holding baby. Will recheck email. Surely have lots of messages by now.
3:34pm – Hmm. Not much at all. Should pay bills now.
4:05pm – Yikes! Am really v. poor as am only getting 60% pay on short-term disability.
5:46pm – V. productive. Bills paid, Sophie’s birth announcements are out, laundry is done and put away, dishwasher was run and put away. Will take new dance workout video to mom’s. Maybe can do together. Do not mind making fool of self in front of mom. Waiting for Sophie to wake up for feeding. Will put together new vacuum in meantime.
6pm – That was easy.
6:20pm – Lovely. Article on msn basically says men cheat bc partner has become boring. Fabulous.
10:36pm – Back from parents. Sophie v. fussy at last feeding. Poor baby. Has belly ache. Brought new dance workout video to parents’ w/good intentions. Forgot do not yet have VCR hooked up. Must start man trap conditioning program tomorrow. Definitely. Hope get some sleep tonight as baby is v. fussy.

Motivation

My therapist suggested that I do some exercises to release my anger at FB and his family. I’ve decided to get a punching bag. After all, it’s been three weeks and I have yet to start working out. Yikes. My dreams of the rock solid body that I hoped to have to show FB what he’s missing are dwindling…

In addition to my already extensive collection of work out videos, I’ve purchased yet another one, along with several “pump you up” CDs to which I will practice my punching and kicking. I will stop making excuses, not worry that my house is full of clutter and animal hair, and start my “man trap” body conditioning program.

Of course, I am currently on the computer and just had a beer (although it was a Light beer)…
I’ve been reading too much Bridget Jones.

Tomorrow. I will start tomorrow. Definitely. By the time I go back to work, I should be skinnier than before I got pregnant.

That beer tasted damn good though…

Birth Day

Even though she is only 18 days old, already I can’t imagine my life without Sophie. It seems as if she has always been here…always been a part of me (perhaps because I carried her with me wherever I went for 8 months). It’s as if I too started my life on her birth day.

Obsession

Currently obsessing about FB and whore. Perhaps mind is warped due to inconsistent sleep cycle. Also reading sequel to Bridget Jones's Diary and due to only interaction with infant cannot seem to write or speak in complete sentences. Envisioning FB and whore at parents' for Sunday football and dinner like one big happy family now that FB has told them the "truth." FB told parents he only started sleeping with whore "as of late." And of course they believed him. As if it matters. He started cheating on me when the phone calls started in July/August; it doesn't matter when they actually started having S-E-X.

Luckily have frequent feedings and diaper changes to interrupt unhealthy obsession.

Miracle

It's been a while since I've been able to get back online, but you may already know or you've guessed: those "Braxton Hicks" contractions I was having? Yeah, um...they were the real thing! Last Tuesday morning, October 26th, at 4:29am (CT), I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl, Sophie Ryan.

Monday after work, I picked up my mom at the vet (she ended up having to put her 15-yr old cat to sleep due to kidney failure. It was very rough on her, but honestly, he led a full life of couch lounging). Then we went to the Toyota dealer where she pointed to a Camry and asked, "Where do I sign?" While going through the paper work, I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, still having contractions. I just couldn't wait to go home and sleep. THAT didn't happen though because the contractions became more intense. During the drive to the hospital, they were only 5 minutes apart. My mom looked over at me and said, "Yep, I think this might be the real thing."

She was right. I arrived at the hospital at 1am already 4cm dilated. Just 3 1/2 hours later and NO EPIDURAL (apparently, I missed the window of opportunity, much to my disappointment. I was so looking forward to drugs...), Sophie arrived. My first question was "What is it?" while my second was a panicked "Why isn't she crying?" Since she was 4 weeks early (she got her Thanksgiving and Halloween holidays mixed up), Sophie needed oxygen at first to help her breathe. I was only able to hold her for about 2 minutes before the nurses whisked her off to NICU (Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit).

Not to worry, though. My girl is strong. She knew she was ready and there was no stopping her: she was off oxygen and breathing fabulously on her own in just a few hours. By Wednesday, she was transferred into the regular nursery, which meant we were able to go home together Thursday afternoon.

Thank God for mommies. My mom held my hand during the entire labor, and also stayed at my house during the first week to take over nighttime feedings. (That's back when I was sleeping, unlike the past two nights...right now, I'm working on about 3 hrs...)

Oh, and FB? Well, that's another entry, but yeah, he's met his daughter. And he's still as big of a dick as ever. Sigh. But I have Sophie, the love of my life.