Hope

I’m having a fantabulous* time in San Antonio; the day is slow but last night we sat outside on the Riverwalk, eating the most delicious Italian meal I’ve ever had (stuffed chicken breast with spinach, cream sauce, veggies and mashed potatoes), drinking some yummy Merlot (which you can get at the store for less than $10 but we had to pay $26) and having good conversation, telling silly stories, etc.

So the two co-workers I’m with are in their mid to late 40s and of course at first I felt that Hope thought I was a young bunny just out of college or something; some dumb chick. I don’t know that she *really* thought I was dumb, or how young she actually took me to be at first glance, but I felt like she thought she was worldly (she is) and I was not (I think I am, in some respects). Of course, I always tend to think people don’t like me when actually they do.

And now! Now, after smoking together and talking together about love and my divorce and her recent marriage (1 year, met on eHarmony), I feel like she *does* respect me and is also kind of Mommy to me which I find great comfort in. She told me to “leave the door cracked; you never know what might slip in,” re: love. Hope does not want me to give up hope of finding love again one day (even though I’m not currently looking). She says I’m too young for that.

Me: Hope, I don’t even have a door *to* crack. I have a high stone castle tower, a moat and alligators.
Hope [laughing]: Well, I would definitely get rid of the alligators.
Then she told me that any man who is worth it would be willing to swim through the moat (as long as the alligators are long gone). I’m not so sure though. *I* certainly don’t think I would invest that much time and energy swimming through a moat to get to some guy, and I am not under any delusions that somehow I am “worthy” enough of all that.

Anyway, didn’t mean to get so “deep” on you – last night, after sharing two bottles of wine, it seemed like she gave me life-altering advice, when in reality, she just re-affirmed all that I’ve already heard; all that I already know (but am not willing or ready to do, maybe?). Though that doesn’t make me any less glad the conversation occurred; after all, sometimes—often times, you need to hear such things over and over and over until finally, you can let your guard down and…

hope.

* My new favorite word, BTW.

Prude

So I knew I was going to get crap from this.

My mom introduced Sophie to the movie "Mamma Mia" and Sophie has been obsessed with it ever since. I downloaded the soundtrack (original ABBA songs, not Pierce wrecking everything) off iTunes and made a CD. We have listened to that CD non-stop approximately 8 bazillion times. But Sophie loves the beat, and we put it on at home and do a dance party. She will even grab her princess journal and act out the part to the "Honey, Honey" song (her fav. Also, I tried to record her doing this, but she didn't want me to. It's too cute not to share though, so I WILL try again).

We were over at Grandma and Grandpa's the other night, and they let us take the movie home. I put it in her backpack for her to take to her Daddy's, as Mommy is currently traveling for work in San Antonio (the weather here right now can't be beat!)

I kind of had the feeling when I put it in the bag, "He's going to kill me." But I did it anyway, because Sophie just loves the songs and the dancing. I also thought it would be fun to "torture" Jamie a bit by forcing him to watch a musical.

I got a call last night. Jamie starts by saying, "I don't want to be a prude, but..." and went off on how the movie isn't appropriate, blah blah blah. Okay, it IS rated PG-13, I get that, but it shows NOTHING. I think there are like two kisses in the entire movie, and with the exception of one part, where the friend puts something between her legs to look like a boy in the middle of a song for like two milliseconds, it is completely cheezy and completely innocent. And when Sophie asked, "Why did she do that?" My parents and I just said, "Oh, she was just being silly."

Anyway, is it the movie that I would have picked for Sophie? No. But I left her with Grandma one day while I ran to Target and when I came back, they were watching it and she has been obsessed with it ever since. She doesn't understand the sexual innuendos of it, anyway.

I guess I just find it ironic that the man who is completely and totally immoral, the one who has had his girlfriend (yes now fiancee) living with him for years, sharing a bed together, and Sophie knows this and sees it; the one who first introduced Soph to painted nails and Miley Cyrus and "shake your bootie;" the one (okay, it's the finacee) who plays "Put a Ring on It" or whatever that song is; they play Gwen Stephani and hip-hop in the car with Sophie; has a problem with fucking Mamma Mia.

None of the above is wrong, IMO. I mean, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana is pretty innocent; painting nails and playing with make-up is fine; listening to something OTHER than Barney in the car is also fine, but I just find it interesting that THIS is the battle he chose to fight last night.

Where did THAT come from? (Also: Sound of My Heart Breaking)

This evening, lying (laying?) in bed, in the middle of Amelia Bedelia, there’s this:
Sophie: Are you going to give me away to another Mommy?

WHAT??! I have no idea where that came from and when I asked, I just received a shrug and a “I dunno,” tween style. Is it because I’m leaving for a three-day business trip (San Antonio!) and she is scared I won’t come back for her? I’ve gone on business trips before; she’ll be with her dad…and I’ve never heard this. OMIG I wanted to smother her with kisses all night long. Is it something about the impending wedding? Is she scared that TT is going to be her mom now and I won’t be? No, I really don’t think that’s it. Ugh. Jeez Louise. Naturally, I told her all of the “right” things, which luckily, also happen to be the things that are true: that she will ALWAYS be my Sophie, my #1, and that I will ALWAYS be her Mommy, no matter what, that NOBODY is going to take her away from me, and that I would never EVER let them, and that I would never EVER leave her.

PANIC ATTACK.

Kids. They cut right through you sometimes, you know?

Boredom

I’m bored, so this post is going to be filled with random crap. I shouldn’t be bored. I mean, I have stuff to do: put away laundry, go through mail…but that’s not fun. And I’m bored because I’m not in the middle of a good book right now. And Soph played way hard yesterday – she and her friend Ellie must have jumped on the trampoline FOR HOURS, and she played all day at school so tonight all she wants to do is watch Alvin & the Chipmunks. Which is A-Okay by me because it means I’m farting around on the computer drinking a glass of wine.

Tomorrow we are taking the day off because I leave Wednesday for San Antonio – for a work trade show. I am excited because:
1 – I get out of the office
2 – I get a free trip to a cool city
I hope the people I’m going with, who work for other divisions so I’ve never met them, are cool and want to go out (they are in their mid 40s), because it would be nice to have company. But otherwise, I will just go out by myself and who knows; I may end up meeting another group of hot firefighters!
***
Sophie just stopped her movie to eat and had me read Amelia Bedelia.
Now she’s hanging on me.
***
Yesterday, with her friend Ellie, Ellie blurts out “I’ve got junk in my trunk!” I laughed so hard. It’s totally inappropriate, but she doesn’t know it and it really made my day.
***
On the way home from work, I called my mom, and then spoke briefly with my step-dad. I asked Sophie if she wanted to say hi to Papa Ryan, and she shook her head, then said, “Oh, okay.” So I pass the phone back.
Sophie: Oh, hello! Who’s this?
…
Sophie: How was your day today?
…
Sophie: Oh, are you done talking?
…
Sophie: I love you too.
***
God, this is about as boring as I feel. You know what I feel like? I feel like I’m on the brink of something, but I don’t know what it is. I am filled with excited anticipation, and I’m not entirely sure why. I hope whatever anxious excitement I feel really does end up being good and not the other way around.

Venting

So Jamie sends me a picture on my cell phone with the message: Summer in her bike helmet. Pls. show to Soph.
Summer is Sophie’s youngest cousin.
Um, okay. Like, whatever. That’s just weird, no? I mean, I don’t text him of pictures of baby Jayden when we’re visiting. I don’t even KNOW Summer. I wouldn’t even know she exists except for Soph.
***
Right now we’re watching “The Sound of Music” because I thought Sophie would love it and it is one of my mom’s most favorite. And Sophie is born to be on Broadway and also if I hear “Mamma Mia” one more time I will throw up all letter Ms. Even though I heart Abba. This isn’t really a vent; it’s an aside.
***
Actually, I was going to vent about some other things but I’m drinking wine, eating mini reeses peanut butter cups and watching “Sound of Music.” So really, who could be in a bad mood? And what could be a better end to a surprising 75-degree day (in November?!) at the zoo? Bad mood/irritation has run away:) Far, far away.

Despite My Best Intentions, I Really AM All Grown Up (I Think)

…Or at least in this instance.

So they are doing this thing at Sophie’s school today? Where they are inviting the parents in for “circle time” to see what the kids do during that time and what they learn and the songs they sing and blah blah blah? And it starts at 4pm and Jamie’s day anyway so just going to go and I didn’t feel like I really needed to go since he is (besides I have Happy Hour plans!), and then he asked and I am letting TT go too. She’s not set foot inside that school, because I have not added her to the drop off/pick up list (but will once they are officially married). I figure well, it might be nice for her to see Sophie’s school since she is going to be Sophie’s step-mom (whether I like it or not and I don’t need to tell you it’s “or not”) and well at least *I* don’t have to see her. So I told this to some friends and I asked them if I was all grown up or a pushover. And they told me I’m all grown up which made me go “aww.”

Annual Pumpkin Carving Bonding with Papa

Except this year, Child did not want "anyone to cut my perfect pumpkin." Oh well; the important thing is they bonded, and I got pics!

On Death

Morbid, I know. But I had to go to a funeral yesterday, for a co-worker who died rather suddenly at age 55. I do not want to say more about it here. But I was wondering, during the memorial service, if, when you’re in Heaven, you get to attend your own funeral. I asked the same question to one of my other co-workers who attended with me (there were many of us there, of course), and she said, “Well, I don’t think there is any sadness or grief or disappointment or anger in Heaven…so, I don’t know…maybe not, as you cannot be sad about those you’ll miss, or angry at those who did not come…” What do you think? And if you were allowed, would you go?

Another thought, which came about while watching “Stir of Echoes” last night (Kevin Bacon!): It seems—in movies at least—that ghosts go through an awful lot of trouble to contact the living and yet, their messages are often cryptic. For example, in this movie, the ghost of a girl contacts Kevin Bacon and his son to help them discover her murderer. But why can’t she just say, “This is what happened to me; let me show you where my body is buried.” It would be a lot easier that way, don’t you think?

On the Agenda

For today:
-Santa shopping with my Mommy. Not because I'm oh-so-organized, but out of necessity, as every weekend in November that I don't have Soph, I will be out of town.
- Get car washed. It is a PIGSTY!
- Laundry
What about you?