Wednesday, August 12, 2015

“OFF”

I feel very “off” today. My anxiety is high; my nerves are making me jittery. Last night I was up til midnight because I couldn’t sleep because I was nervous for today – Sophie’s first day of fifth grade. How did my baby grow up so fast? How did I get so old?

I had a couple of glasses of wine last night but it’s not like I drank the whole bottle or anything.

My left hand is tingly – left hand only; in my fingertips. It wasn’t like that when I woke up; it just started on my way into the office. I had to get allergy shots this morning and I told the nurses that and mentioned that my mom had had a stroke and the one nurse started telling me to do the things for stroke signs – stand up straight (does one side slouch/fall/slump?), stick tongue out (is it straight?), etc. but I was like, “I know I’m not having a stroke. But if I go completely numb on one side or if I start slurring my words, I will call 9-1-1.”

I’m not normally a hypochondriac. But I’m just a bottle of nerves because I even wrote down Jeff’s phone number for two of my co-workers, just in case.

Maybe it’s just nerves+PMS+tiredness. I just feel…weird.

This makes me smile though:


(Technically Ethan’s first day is tomorrow but I had to get the photo opp while I could) 

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Questions of the Universe

Why does Sophie want a loft bed + desk in her very tiny room (7x8?) when 2 years ago we traded in her twin bed for a full (my old one from childhood that my parents still had) (they keep everything) (sophie is also using my dresser from when I was a BABY) and then in about 2-3 more years she’ll probably want to move into the big, purple basement room; that is if Jeff and I haven’t taken it over by then because my parents (or one of them) are living in our “master” bedroom. And also how do I find one that fits her room that doesn’t cost $3k and is sturdy enough not to fall over? And is not TOO little girl since I’m not fucking changing her room every damn year. And then if she goes down to a twin bed, I have to buy all new fucking bedding.

Why do I have an allergy-related summer cold and can’t breathe through my nose and forgot to take my Sudafed and this sickness made “family day” Saturday a bust because Ethan woke up with the same thing (though he bounced back much faster than me) and I slept 70% of Saturday and ended up sending Sophie to her dad’s but it gave me and Ethan a chance to “bond” Sunday as I let Sophie go to her cousins and me and Ethan went to a late brunch – just us – and then the three of us (me, Ethan, Jeff) saw the new Mission Impossible movie in the theater. And now Jeff thinks he’s getting what I have which means he’ll be a total baby about it because he’s a man.

Why do Ethan and Sophie both have the teachers that have the reputation for being “mean” and how are they going into fifth grade and how is it middle school next year and am I old enough to have fifth graders and Sophie doesn’t want to go to school because she is terrified of fire drills and they have them like twice a month; some they know about and some are ‘surprises’ and will the teacher this year be compassionate about Sophie’s anxiety like last year’s doll of a teacher or will she be mean and like “knock it off, get it together”? And also the only girl that we know so far that is in Sophie’s class is a girl named D. that’s friends with Sophie’s friend Lexi (the one with the odd parents) and Sophie says she’s a bully.

Why aren’t Jeff and I rich and living in a bigger house in a nicer neighborhood? Do I even care about a big house? No I’d rather go on vacation but seriously by most standards, we should be rich (if you just look at our combined income). I mentioned this to Jeff while we were out to eat last night while Sophie was doing soccer practice:
“Uh, we’re not rich because we’re both drinking and eating out and we’re about to spend $50 bucks on dinner and then after Sophie goes to bed we’re going to smoke cigarettes and cigars and drink a $12 bottle of wine and sip from a $30 bottle of Grandma [Grand Marnier]”
Oh yeah, that’s why.

Why am I two years away from turning 40 and still getting zits during “that time of the month”? Why am I paying a fortune for Proactiv when I still get zits but not as many and it’s the only thing that really works?

How can a silly little summer cold COMPLETELY wipe me out and Summar has to deal with exhaustion PLUS pain every single day and still actually live and see doctors and do support groups and swim therapy and take care of the kids?? It makes me REALLY, truly feel for her.

WHAT exactly are these people in Ferguson, MO protesting??

Does anybody trust Hilary Clinton and does anybody think she could POSSIBLY have ANY inkling of what it’s like to be “middle class” considering she and Bill are worth, what? $30 Billion and yet she claims they left the White House “broke” which is so fucking preposterous it’s hilarious.
(Why can’t I spell “preposterous”?)
Anyone who votes for Hilary Clinton just because she is a woman is as stupid as anybody who doesn’t vote for her just because she’s a woman.

WHY am I talking politics?

WHEN will this sickness go away, and when can I go back to bed and WHY on Earth does the school have meet the teacher and supply drop off from 3pm to 4pm because apparently NO PARENTS WORK.

I need to sign off now.


CLEARLY.

Thursday, August 06, 2015

Book Funk

I’ve been in a major book funk lately. I can’t decide what I want to read; I add a bunch to my Amazon “wish list” or Goodreads “to read” list and then when I go back and start reading the reviews and I find a couple of 1 or 2 stars, I discard the book from the list thinking, I don’t want to waste my time reading something I won’t enjoy. I scour my Goodreads for books my friends are reading that have similar interests to mine, yet still I remain uninspired. Nothing is really “speaking” to me. I don’t even know WHAT I want or what I’m looking for, I just know I haven’t found it recently.

As a matter of fact, I’ve given up on quite a few books lately – I can’t finish them, I can’t get through them. I know it’s time to give up on a book when I’d rather scroll through Facebook than pick up my Kindle (Red Flag!). I go back to my favorite authors but I’ve already read most of what my favorite authors have written. Sometimes I consult the New York Times best sellers list and alternately think “Well if everyone else is reading it, it must be good” and “Well people are idiots, what do they know?”

For example, I really like the author Jon Krakauer. My favorite by him was “Into thin Air,” about the 1996 Mt. Everest disaster. “Into the Wild” was ok. I started reading “Under the Banner of Heaven” which is about Mormon fundamentalists but then I got bored.

Then I tried Amy Sedaris’ “I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence” because I’ve already read everything by her brother David. But the first quarter of that book was how to host a party and it was mildly entertaining and humorous but I don’t cook or entertain because I wouldn’t even have enough friends to put together anything that could resemble a party.

Now I’m reading a fiction book called “Edgewise” that I borrowed for free via my Amazon Prime account and let me just tell you that I am glad it is a free book. Already I’m rolling my eyes and I’m bored. It’s about a privileged white girl who is a 40-year old unmarried middle school teacher who has started cutting herself after her long-time boyfriend up and moved to LA and boohoohoo I have no husband and no family. She breaks down at work and is forced to go to the only mental health day program that she can afford, and she is in the minority, ethnicity-wise. There she gets a crush on her counselor and battles with the tough-as-nails, big brash Black girl. Gee, do you think they are going to end up being friends and learn something from each other? SPARE ME. Last night I was 19% through the book and I almost threw it through the window when I read this line, about the main chick and her dad eating a picnic lunch together: “While they ate they chatted, mostly about politics: global warming, family planning, the worldwide AIDS epidemic, the kind of topics that had dominated their dinner-table discussions and about which her father had sharp opinions made sharper by reiteration.” REALLY? I’m not sure why that made me so mad but it just seemed so, “HEY LOOK HOW INTELLIGENT MY CHARACTERS ARE. THEY DISCUSS THE WORLD PROBLEMS OVER A PICNIC LUNCH IN THE PARK.” Not real. NOT that people can’t have intelligent conversations, or discuss serious topics. It just seemed SO out of place after the dad was just telling the daughter about the new woman he was dating. (I’m almost 40 and my dad has been divorced from my mom for 35 years and I STILL don’t ask him a damn thing about his dating life).

So, I need a book. A REALLY good book. One that I will want to keep turning the page. I like memoirs, nothing that will make me fall into a puddle of tears but I can handle some hardness (I prefer realism actually), nothing about anyone dying of cancer please and thank you, true medical mysteries, true-crime stories, awesome fiction, ghost stories/psychological thrillers, dystopian young adult fiction, true adventure/survivor stories, no sappy romances, and no vampires or zombies.

What I REALLY love about Goodreads is that if I am good about adding the books I’ve read, I can then go back to my account and consult my list to see what I have read, what I rated them, what authors I like that I forgot about, etc. Amazon will show me my prior orders, and I can sort by digital orders, but I have to go year by year. I’m always scared I’m going to buy a book I’ve already read, but forgot about, or read a long time ago. Just the other day I was scrolling through my wish list and kept going back to this one book, reading the summary again, checking out the ratings; then I went to Goodreads and typed in the title and turns out I read it and rated it like 3 or 4 stars. NO wonder I kept coming back to that book on my wish list – it sounded like something I’d enjoy, and I DID.

So then I just went to Amazon again and somehow stumbled on a way to search ALL Kindle orders from all time, and I searched for “What Alice Forgot” because I thought I had read it but no, I had read “Still Alice” and was getting the books confused, so I bought it.

By the way, you can find me on Goodreads here.


PLEASE help, I still need more recommendations; I’m desperate.

Devastated

So our neighbors and good friends are now separated and apparently headed toward divorce. I will refer to them here simply as “Husband” and “Wife.” I am devastated for several reasons.

First of all, they were “just like us.” Meaning, he had a son, she had a daughter; and they met when the kids were 7. Husband and Wife are about Jeff’s age and their kids are grown now (in their 20s). They’ve been married for 20 years (20 years!). Well now that they are separated of course now I don’t want them to be “just like us.”

Second of all, it’s always sad when people break up. And it’s especially hard when there is no clear side. Most people end up losing friends through divorce and typically it comes down to “who you’ve known the longest.” Technically, Jeff has known Wife the longest because they actually grew up in the same area. But it is currently Husband that is confiding in him about what is going on. And to be honest, the couple’s lives are completely entangled; they have all the same friends. (Which isn’t unusual considering how long they’ve been together).

Third of all, they were literally our only couple friend that ever asked us to do anything; we would often ‘double date’ and dine together, drink together, party together, boat together, etc. So that is my selfish reason to be devastated. Them breaking up changes the entire neighborhood dynamic and our social lives. Please don’t think I’m being crass here or completely cold-hearted; but this is an aspect that I’ve thought about.

Wife and I wouldn’t normally hang out just us girls though we have gone to get our nails done together, cooked dinner together (uh, I hand over ingredients while she puts everything together as I don’t cook but she does). And we weren’t talking-on-the-phone friends but we were hang-out friends, do you know what I mean? So I’m not surprised that she didn’t confide in me – knowing full well if she did it would go to Jeff and then to Husband, but she hasn’t responded to my texts either since she ‘disappeared.’ Well, she didn’t literally disappear – here is what we (me and Jeff) know:

Okay so we’ve spent significant time with Husband and Wife this summer and while they quibble and quabble (I think I just made that word up, but I like it), it was nothing unusual or severe. In other words, when you’re at the river, and there is a lot of drinking involved and not enough eating to soak up that drinking and you are ‘stuck’ on a 20ft boat [first-world problem], and there are lots of other drunk assholes all around you that you call friends but can turn imbeciles when intoxicated, there are bound to be arguments, emotional melt-downs and hurt feelings. But again, none of it was dramatic – nobody threw anyone else off the ‘ship’ or anything like that, do you know what I mean?

So then two Saturdays ago there was a big annual trivia night to raise money for our pool (silent auction, etc). We had the kids though mostly – well Ethan went back to his mom’s around Sophie’s bedtime and Jeff and I could hear everyone hootin’ and hollering while we sat in the sunroom and watched TV. (The subdivision pool is literally just outside of our backyard, which is AWESOME). APPARENTLY, after I went to bed, MY husband went down to the pool and closed it down with the rest of the unsightly crew. Kylie swam and swam and there was drama from the other drunk neighborhood idiots and Husband and Wife were both drunk but both still able to stand and weren’t acting anything out of the ordinary for a late Saturday night party, etc.

The VERY next day, Wife tells Neighborhood Guy “I’m getting my own apartment.” Then she took the sports car, left her work car, and texted Husband, “I’m spending the night at BFF’s house.” (meaning HER BFF’s house).

Uh, say what?!? My head was spinning. To us on the outside, it seems like everything was fine; trivia was typical; then boom – Wife up and leaves Husband high and dry, just like that. Of course, there is ALWAYS so much more going on in a marriage than people let outsiders see. Second of all, unless you are completely wasted and in the boonies, wives don’t spend the night at their girlfriend’s houses instead of coming home to their husbands. Or vice versa. Am I right? If Jeff said, “I’m just going to crash at ____’s” I would say “Get your ass in a cab NOW.” (Actually Jamie did pull that crap when we were married and he was still living with me and seeing TT – don’t even get me started…Anyway, because of that, I knew the drill).

As it turns out, Husband had already suspected and then accused Wife of cheating on him and Wife did not deny it. All signs seem to point in that direction, that is for sure. And Husband really truly does love Wife and wants her to stay but Wife CLEARLY had made up her mind a while back (She hasn’t been home in two weeks, except to pick up more of her things. NOBODY gets an apartment THAT FAST. IF she even has an apartment, or maybe she is staying with her lover, who we know NOTHING about). (Also, I hate the word ‘lover’). Apparently the second time Husband asked Wife if she was cheating, she admitted it (according to Husband’s story, which may or may not be accurate).

BUT, before you start feeling too bad for Husband whose (allegedly?) cheating Wife left him for another man, here is a BIG, HUGE secret that WE (me and Jeff) JUST found out about because Husband confided this secret to Jeff about a week ago (a week post-Wife left). Four years ago, Husband slept with….

…wait for it….

Wife’s BFF!!!

YES, the SAME BFF who Wife said she was spending the night with/at when she left Husband! Wife HAS NO IDEA this ever happened (and I’m not supposed to know it either because Husband is hiding it from me because he doesn’t want me to see him like that; only as the victim). [Talk about mind games being played all over the place – and it gets worse!]

And it’s SO WEIRD because I know BFF; and Wife and Husband and BFF hang out together, GO ON VACTIONS TOGETHER, go to the river together; she comes to the pool with us, etc. and Jeff and I had NO CLUE that anything had ever happened between Husband and BFF.

So NOW, Husband is thinking with his uh, ‘manly part’ and not his brain or his heart and is basically acting like a rebellious teenager – ie going out with his/their friends (guy friends) to bars and picking up women and he went on a date with a 55 year old chick (he’s only 50) and Jeff said, “DUDE, you’re doing it ALL WRONG! You should go YOUNGER, like I did [with Farrell]” – ha!

So after relaying this story to one of MY BFF’s, we reflected on the very differing reactions of males and females in this type of situation. A woman would be scouring the internet, doing drive-bys and breaking into her husband’s email and phone accounts in an attempt to find out who-the-hell-has-he-been-sleeping-with-she-must-be-a-fucking-whore. Meanwhile, the husband is getting drunk and getting laid. Who is having more fun? Who is being more productive? Your answer to each of those questions may be the same, or different, and is totally a matter of perspective.


Sheesh. How’s that for some drama? I feel like I’m on a fucking white trash soap opera.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Finishing Touches/Next Project

This weekend we completed the finishing touches to our upstairs; that is to say, Jeffrey finished above the basement stairs and I framed photos and we rehung them all. 
Switched out the red lights for blue. Excuse the picture hanging clutter on the ledge.

Decent photo of our galley kitchen. Excuse the dirty dishes on the sink.

Living room
Now the kids want neon for the basement and I’m not sure about neon but here are a couple more views of the basement:
It's like a fucking Toys R Us in here!

Uh, the stuff was on the couch to make way for vacuuming. It's usually on the floor against the wall. Which is obviously So. Much. Better. (GAH!)

Need to sell exercise bike I never use. Maybe get a treadmill I will never use.

Wood paneling and cobwebby/crappy patio/busted up drop ceiling- oh so lovely
I had the idea of putting up dark red curtains all around, adding some theater lighting and viola - movie room! But Jeff said NO, he will NOT put curtains around - they only collect dust (no painting though!) I DID find some awesome theater ideas on the Internet though, but I have no idea what it costs to make these happen:
I mean, this is SICK right?!  But I am LOVING the ceiling/wall lights.

My curtain idea that was knocked down (WHAHH)

I like this color green. Not really a "theater room" other than the giant screen

Man cave! 
We are also thinking about doing our kitchen sooner rather than later and NOT knocking down our wall that separates the kitchen from dining area (even though that’s the FIRST thing any designer/contractor would do if this house was on HGTV) and getting a new microwave, oven, backsplash, counter top, flooring, and refinishing the cabinets (stain darker, add hardware). But right now we need a break from big projects. Except it keeps me entertained late at night while he’s watching golf or the ball game; I love to scroll around on the Internet looking for ideas/inspiration. And I like to be busy so I want to go-go-go.

I also would LOVE to get the ceiling fan installed in the sunroom, which I purchased FIVE months ago. And to replace our table. And TV stand. But we haven’t found anything we are in love with yet and Jeff is SUPER picky about how comfortable the chairs are so it’s kinda’ hard to shop online for such a thing. And I’m really too lazy to take a picture of the room as-is right now.


Hearts without Limits - UPDATE

We raised $360+ for the Ruelles last Thursday evening! Thank goodness Jamie’s family and TT’s family came otherwise it wouldn’t have been much of a crew as nobody Sophie & Taylor gave out the flyers to came. But one friend from work did provide a donation, and another friend came, and Dominic and his Aunt from down the street joined in as well. 

It was still 90 something at 6pm in the evening so we only did about a mile total but it was fun and l’m very thankful for the girls’ big hearts and for the generosity of this crew:

Oh and GUESS WHAT?!? Speaking of Summar, I'm so excited! I just can't hide it! I booked a ticket last week with my miles to bring my "sis" Summar Breeze Ruelle to the 'Lou at the end of next month! We desperately need this girl time together to catch up, relax, hug, cry, laugh and I can hardly wait!


Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Weekend Update/Next House Project

So this weekend was fun but kinda’ weird. What was fun about it was the pool was open and it felt FANTASTIC in the heat. Actually, there was no way in HELL I would be caught outside UNLESS I was in a body of water.

It was weird because Jamie and Sutton (Sophie’s half brother who is 4 ½) came to swim on Saturday and then Jamie, Sutton, TT, Sutton’s BFF, Taylor & her brother and mom; me and Sophie and Ethan all played a soccer “game” (boys vs. girls) together on Sunday morning. (Jeff opted out)

Friday night was fun because our friend from church was performing in a “teen talent” show at the Maplewood street festival and Grandma and Grandpa came and so did Jeff & Ethan. The boys were troupers; I don’t think it was really their thing but Ethan got to eat fries and ice cream so what the hell, right?!:) Saturday night Sophie spent the night at Taylor’s, I went shopping at Marshalls and bought cute Calvin Klein tops for work at $20ea (too bad they are all blue – that’s what they had in my size. I LOVE blue, but it’s too much the same, you know? Still, they were cheap enough to justify), and then me, Jeff and Ethan watched the baseball game (the one that went into 13? innings – Cards vs Pirates OMIG I thought it would never end).

This weekend we are kid free and I want to finish touching up the painting and putting the house back together and re-hanging photos (forthe record, photos of Sophie vs. Ethan are even). [Yes I counted but not to ‘prove’ it to anyone – I was dusting and re-arranging piles of pictures and seeing which had broken frames that needed to be replaced, etc.] 

Next project: Basement? I need to take pics and then ask for ideas – I’ve already looked through hundreds of “cool tween basement ideas” on the Internet and am still not finding exactly what I’m looking for. Also, we would like to do it cheap if possible. Well actually, I would like to have someone fix ceiling, do drywall and paint but Jeff doesn’t want to spend that kind of cash. ACTUALLY I would LOVE to have a DESIGNER come over and just TELL us what to do and what colors to pick and how to do it. I don’t want to buy all new furniture or anything though. Oh and CRAP. We need a new TV upstairs. Like, NEED: there are little white dots all over the screen; it has something to do with a part that costs $300 but for a 10year old TV, fuck it, we should just replace it.

OH! And I think our sunroom could look 8,000 times better – I would love a designer for that too.

Anyway, I need to post some pics of the current basement I guess.

Oh, wait, here we go: These are from Sophie's last bday party.
First order of business: Get rid of the utility shelves holding toys we haven't played with since age 5. 
We did get rid of the "house' over there in the corner but see how that back wall is just plain concrete? 
Hallway to laundry area. plain. boring. ugly. 
I'll try to get a better 360 type view.